Home › Guides

After the tantrum: how to reconnect

Updated 2026-10-01

The minutes after a tantrum can feel as hard as the tantrum itself. This guide covers what the sources below say about comfort, talking about feelings, what happens to the limit you set, consequences, and looking after yourself. Results across groups of children cannot tell you how your own child will respond, and where something is our judgement rather than a source, it is marked "Our view".

How tantrums often end

In a study of 335 children aged 18 months to 5 years, based on parents' accounts, anger rose quickly and peaked at or near the beginning of the tantrum, while crying and comfort-seeking slowly became more likely as the tantrum went on [1]. The same research described anger and distress as separate components, with sad behaviour associated with anger coming down [2]. These are group patterns; they cannot tell you exactly when your own child will want comfort.

Our view: as the anger fades, offering comfort is a reasonable thing to try, and your child's response is your guide.

Reconnecting

NHS parent information suggests showing your child that you love them, but not their behaviour, and giving plenty of cuddles when they are not behaving badly [3]. AAP parent information, describing a parent who has taken a break to calm down, says: "When you are feeling better, go back to your child, hug each other, and start over" [4]. CDC parent information advises acknowledging and accepting your child's emotions first and then setting limits on hurtful behaviour [5].

Research on everyday parenting points in a similar direction, with limits. In an observational study of 102 families followed from 7 months to 6.5 years, higher parental responsiveness during toddlerhood predicted better subsequent emotion regulation in children. The abstract reports no statistically significant bidirectional associations in infancy or early school age [6]. A review of research on parents' reactions to children's emotions found that negative reactions were associated with children's negative emotionality and lower social competence, and noted that most of that research is correlational [7]. The supplied abstracts do not establish the effects of reconnecting specifically in the minutes after a tantrum.

Our view: reconnecting can be short, such as sitting together, a hug or going back to what you were doing, and it does not need to become a lesson.

Talking about feelings once your child is calm

NHS parent information suggests letting your child know you recognise their feelings, with words such as "I know you're feeling angry about…", and says this will help them name their own feelings and think about them [3]. AAP parent information suggests explaining to preschool children that "it's OK to feel mad sometimes, but not to hurt someone or break things", and teaching positive ways to deal with angry feelings, like talking about it [4]. It also suggests listening and letting your child finish their story, and, where behaviour has a pattern such as jealousy, talking with your child about it rather than just giving consequences [4]. CDC parent information advises giving new instructions or routines when your child is calm enough to listen and understand [8].

Programmes that teach this kind of emotion coaching have been tested. A trial involving 216 primary caregivers of 4- and 5-year-olds found improved emotion coaching and fewer child behaviour problems reported by parents and teachers [9]. A review of 12 articles on emotion socialisation programmes for children up to 6 found they improved parents' coaching of children's emotions, but said there had been limited examination of whether they improve children's own emotion regulation [10]. In a trial involving 320 children aged 4–9 screened for disruptive behaviour problems, emotion-focused and behaviour-focused parenting programmes were compared as parts of a multisystemic intervention. Both intervention conditions reduced conduct problems compared with a waitlist control at six months, with similar effectiveness reported [11]. These studies tested whole programmes, not a single conversation after a tantrum.

NHS and AAP parent information suggest recognising and naming feelings and listening to your child [3][4]. Our view: a brief conversation is one option, rather than something we would require after every tantrum.

The limit still stands

NHS parent information says that if you have said no, you should not change your mind just to end the tantrum, because your child may start to think tantrums get them what they want [3]. CDC parent information says the same about giving in [12]. CDC parent information recommends accepting your child's emotions while setting limits on hurtful behaviour [5]. Our view: we favour offering comfort while maintaining a reasonable limit.

Consequences, and what the sources do not support

AAP parent information describes consequences that are explained calmly, linked to the behaviour and followed through "right away", for example putting toys away for the rest of the day if they are not picked up, and never taking away something your child truly needs, such as a meal [4]. It also says hitting, kicking, biting and throwing should not be ignored [13]. In a meta-analysis of 154 parenting programme trials, natural or logical consequences were among the techniques associated with stronger effects on disruptive behaviour [14].

AAP parent information distinguishes natural consequences, such as having no cookies left after repeatedly dropping them, from consequences a parent explains and follows through on right away [4]. The programme meta-analysis reports an association involving natural or logical consequences; it does not establish when consequences should follow a tantrum [14]. The source material available for this guide does not establish whether punishment imposed long after a tantrum is helpful. Our view: once the tantrum is over and the limit has held, we would not add a separate punishment for the tantrum itself.

Some forms of punishment are clearly advised against. An AAP policy statement says that aversive discipline, including all forms of corporal punishment and yelling at or shaming children, is minimally effective in the short term and not effective in the long term [15]. AAP parent information recommends that parents do not use spanking, hitting, threatening, insulting, humiliating or shaming [16]. A meta-analysis of 111 effect sizes, representing 160,927 children, found that spanking was linked with increased risk of detrimental child outcomes [17].

Your own recovery

CDC parent information notes that it is common for parents to feel a range of emotions, even negative ones, when their child is distressed, and advises calming your own emotions before practising emotion coaching [5]. AAP parent information suggests you can give yourself a time-out if you feel out of control: make sure your child is in a safe place, then take a few minutes to breathe, relax or call a friend [4]. The AAP also suggests getting support from other adults [13].

If you handled things in a way you regret, AAP parent information suggests waiting until you have cooled down, apologising to your child, explaining how you will handle the situation in the future and keeping that promise, which it describes as "a good model of how to recover from mistakes" [4].

A meta-analysis of 53 studies found that parents with better emotion regulation tended to show more positive parenting and have children with better emotion regulation; these were associations, not proof of cause [18]. A meta-analysis of 133 studies in different clinical groups linked parenting stress with child behaviour problems, and its authors highlighted the importance of support for both parents and children [19].

Our view: needing a break, or getting it wrong sometimes, is not a reason to judge yourself.

When to talk to someone

If you are seriously concerned about your child's behaviour, NHS parent information is to talk to your health visitor or GP; in the UK, Family Lives also runs a helpline for parents [3]. If you're worried or family life is becoming difficult, speak with a qualified healthcare professional. See When to seek help for tantrums, What to do during a tantrum and Preventing tantrums.