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What to do during a tantrum (and what not to do)

Updated 2026-10-01

In the middle of a tantrum, your job is smaller than it feels: keep everyone safe, stay steady, and avoid turning the tantrum into a way of getting things. The research on parenting is mostly about what happens around tantrums, before and after, rather than the few minutes in the middle. This guide covers both, and says where the advice is evidence and where it is our view.

First, what a tantrum looks like from the inside

Tantrums have a shape. In a study of 335 children aged 18 months to 5 years, anger rose quickly and peaked at or near the beginning, while crying and comfort-seeking slowly became more likely as the tantrum went on [1]. The sounds change too: an acoustic analysis found that screaming and yelling form one group of sounds and crying, whining and fussing another, with screaming linked to higher anger and fussing-to-crying to rising sadness [2]. Our view: this is why the first part of a tantrum rarely feels like a conversation, and why a hug often lands better near the end. The sources describe the pattern; they do not test a rule for when to do what.

During the tantrum

Keep your child safe. The clinical reference StatPearls advises ignoring the tantrum itself as long as the child remains safe [3]. Our view: ignoring the tantrum is not ignoring the child; you stay nearby and available.

Stay calm, with few words. NHS parent information puts it plainly: losing your temper will not help, and what onlookers think does not matter [4]. Our view: use a few calm words, such as "No biting". The AAP suggests seeking support from another adult when you feel frustrated [5].

Do not change the decision because of the tantrum. NHS parent information and StatPearls both advise against giving in, because a tantrum that works can reinforce the behaviour [4][3]. Comforting a child and holding a decision are not in conflict.

Distract, if it works. Both the NHS and the AAP suggest distraction: a change of room, something interesting, humour [4][5]. Our view: it tends to work better early than at the height of screaming, but the sources do not say when to try it.

Offer a small choice, not a negotiation. The AAP suggests small, directed choices that give a child some control [5]. Our view: "red cup or blue cup?" does that without reopening the thing you said no to.

Try holding if your child is upset rather than angry. That is the NHS wording: firm, gentle holding can help when a child is upset rather than angry [4]. Our view: if holding makes things worse, step back.

Do not ignore hitting, kicking, biting or throwing. The AAP is explicit that aggression gets an immediate consequence rather than a wait-and-see [5], and NHS parent information says not to hit back [4]. Our view: the simplest consequence is to calmly move out of reach and return once your child is calmer.

What not to do

• Do not use physical punishment. StatPearls notes that the AAP recommends against it and that it often escalates the severity or duration of tantrums [3].
• Do not add new threats or bargains mid-tantrum. Our view: each new condition is one more thing you may not keep.
• Do not lock a child in a room. Our view: a time-out, where used, is a short, supervised pause in attention, not isolation.

What the parenting-programme research adds

Structured parenting programmes have evidence for reducing disruptive behaviour in young children. Meta-analyses report reductions in disruptive or externalising behaviour for Incredible Years (weighted effect size 0.27 for disruptive behaviour) [6] and for Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (standardised mean difference −0.87 for externalising behaviour against comparison groups) [7]. In a review of 77 programme evaluations, the components associated with larger effects included positive parent–child interaction, emotional communication, time-out, consistency, and parents practising skills with their child during sessions [8].

Time-out gets a lot of criticism online. A 2019 review in American Psychologist described it as one of the most common and well-researched discipline procedures, with strong evidence for its efficacy and acceptability, and argued that when it is carried out in line with current models of learning, attachment and self-regulation it generally supports child wellbeing [9].

A trial of the Tuning in to Kids programme, which teaches emotion coaching, is also relevant: 216 primary caregivers of 4- and 5-year-olds were randomised to a six-session programme plus two booster sessions or a waiting list; parents in the programme reported more emotion coaching and fewer child behaviour problems, and teachers also reported fewer problems [10].

If you are the one about to lose it

Tag out if another adult is there; the AAP's advice to seek support from other adults when frustrated applies in the moment too [5]. Our view: if not, step back, breathe, and say less. If you are concerned about your child's behaviour, or about how you are coping with it, speak to your health visitor or GP [4].